Back in Wellington, now what?
It’s been a few days since I got home from Te Moata Retreat and life is good. Some great ideas have come to me while at Te Moata, and since. One of these is that I spend far too much time trying to craft the words in this blog.
My previous blog post was written during three days when the rain never stopped. As a result I got stuck inside my head, working on that damn blog post continuously, until the sun finally came out again.
Some days I write, and then rewrite, the simplest of ideas. The problem is that I doubt myself, my thoughts and words. It is painful and I’m not sure it’s all worth it. At the same time, I know that writing is good for me. I also know that writing about my experience with depression and anxiety helps others.
People have shared their stories with me and I know I have made that easy for them. So, while I am feeling really great about myself, I still doubt myself and my ability to write this blog.
Enough of that. I’m going to write – no matter what.
Life at Te Moata – The Highlights
- Living and working with a small team of international travellers is great. I learn a lot from them about how the world should be run. There are always good ideas, especially if I listen carefully and do not disregard their ideas as emotional and naive.
- Working as a kitchen hand, with fantastic vegetarian cooks, is an awesome experience. I helped prepare really, really good food for the yoga teacher retreat students and wwoofers.
- Bathing in the Moata Stream, which is fed from cold spring water, was a body awakening experience. It is so cold that I have to shampoo my hair before I get in, so that I can’t back out of dunking myself underwater to rinse out the suds.
- I learned to sing. More correctly, I learned that I could sing. Anxiety has throttled my throat and cramped my breathing. In my singing lesson I learned to relax my throat, produce the sound from within my body and to open my mouth. That’s made all the difference. I can sing! And I can sing in tune when I listen really hard. Yeah!
- Spending time in my head, asking myself the questions that lead to the insights and empower my growth, is never wasted. I have come away with a new sense of purpose and am ready to get on with the next stage of my life.
- What’s stopping me? That was absolutely the best question I could ask myself. The answer that came was surprising but not really unexpected. It’s fear, fear of ever going back to that dark place that was my experience of depression.
This fear has been holding me back from getting on with my life, but just acknowledging it has helped. I am finding ways to reduce the chance of getting to that soul destroying level of depression.
Living in the Coromandel bush every day for 2 weeks was a blessing. Coming back to the inner city of Wellington has been an adjustment. I seem to notice, even more than usual, the people who aren’t coping; living rough or just getting by. It’s in their body language and how they look.
We live in a beautiful city but this doesn’t mean it’s easy. Life in the city, without a strong connection to nature, takes nature out of us and leaves a vacuum. I need to think about how I can fill this space better.
So what now?
I’m back home, enjoying my family and very excited about my projects. The next Heart Strategy workshop planning is underway and very soon I will launch my new coaching service. I still need to take care to manage my energy, but aside from that, I am ready to get out and try new things.
So what about this blog post?
This time, I am trying not to second guess myself and doubt my writing abilities. This blog is coming to you without the multiple rewrites and edits. Life’s too short and I have lots of things I want to do and people I can help.
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