Now that spring is here, I have been thinking back on the darker days of the past two years. Over this time I was often stifled with feelings of depression, making even the smallest task feel like really hard work. Then came the anxiety sensations that were equally disabling. I would avoid even the smallest social engagement as this would make me feel really uncomfortable.
To be honest, these feelings are not far away. There is a dark shallow at my back and I fear if I slow down too much this grey cloud will swallow me up again. My focus is to keep moving forward, testing my capacity and stamina. As a result I push myself a little too much at times and as a result I get tired and start to doubt my ability to stay well.
My efforts to manage myself continue much as before. (See my earlier blog – Managing myself, it’s a full-time job!) I still only working three days per week and really look forward to the days in between when I get to choose how I spend my time. On these days I get up when I’m ready, read, swim, have an occasional massage, shop for second-hand clothes, work on marketing projects for the business and generally do things that make me feel good.
A recent highlight is having some of my creative energy return. I spend it on doing alterations on the recycled clothes I have bought or creating marketing initiatives for the business. I can’t say all these things have worked out perfectly but it is a stark contrast to the long period when my only creative outlet was preparing the evening meal.
I sometimes worry about the future. Things like, will I ever be able to get off all the medications I am taking? One thing I know is that I want to use my experience to create a better life for myself and others. Please don’t think that this means I expect to be well and happy always. Rather I hope to be more comfortable with the highs and lows of life. To help with this I continue to practice mindfulness meditation and while I can’t define the effects, I feel it is helping me to keep a sense of balance when the going gets tough. Regardless sitting quietly for 25 minutes a day has got be good for me.