Today I had to tell a friend why I couldn’t help them out with what would normally be a very easy task. Instead of just making an excuse I have started telling people about my situation. However I don’t find this easy. It is hard to put it into words especially as I don’t even understand it myself at times.
I start by saying that I need to manage my energy due to my depression and anxiety, that I am at 50% capacity and that certain situations raise my anxiety levels to a point that is not good for my recovery. Whatever way I put it, I feel uncomfortable. That I am letting people down and I feel a failure. Above all I feel ashamed.
I remind myself that having depression and anxiety is nothing to be ashamed about. However I couldn’t even acknowledge that this is what I was feeling until last week. I started to wonder why I wept when I talked about myself. Several weeks of mindful meditation and finally the realisation came – it was shame. Now that I know this is how I feel, I can do something about it. I am hoping that the more I talk and write about my depression and anxiety, the better I will be at accepting of my situation.